How to deal with antisocial behaviour?

[Rinelle]

Ezri has really taken to saying things to try to upset us lately. Mainly DH actually. If he hurts himself, she'll say she's glad he did. She wants to banish us to the moon, lock us in a dungeon etc etc.

I'm just past knowing how to manage this. DH is getting really angry at it, which isn't helping at all, but I don't even know what other ideas to suggest?

Is this a stage? Where is this coming from?

[´*~·Meje·~*`]

do you want me to merge this with your existing thread? (http://www.intuitiveparenting.info/showthread.php?t=351)

[Rinelle]

No thanks Meje. That one was more of a recording of behaviour, whereas this one is a desperate cry for help. :)

[Anju]

Gee Renelle, I really dont know what to say to help. Im so sorry you are finding things so hard. I always find my kids and those of my friends tend to go through a stage around the end of the year, yanno, with Christmas, and so much going on. Maybe this is whats happening with Ezri? I honestly dont know, but Im here and reading.
Thinking of you. xx

[mamma]

when my ds says things like that i ask him why? sometimes teasing it out a bit you can find the root yk? it has been sometimes here that we've not done something, or been too loud/quiet/busy/were breathing <<:lol you know.

my other reaction is to say how it makes me feel when i hear him say those things (or dp whoever it was directed at).

trying not to take it personally is so much easier said than done i sooo know hugs to you

could you try modelling ways for ezri to let people know how shes feeling with her toys perhaps?

[Rinelle]

Thanks for listening and taking the time to reply.

Yes, probably the hype around Christmas (not to mention all the other things going on here) isn't helping. Ezri seems to go through stages of this, then it disappears for a while, then it pops up again.

I try asking her what the problem is, but she won't elaborate. Usually it just results in "I'm upset because I don't want to play with daddy/don't love you" whatever. She doesn't seem to be able to trace the upset back to it's cause, which is REALLY frustrating for us.

When asked what she would do in certain situations, such as stories etc (ie. I tell her a story about a character who has something similar, but different, happen to them), she can always tell me the normal reaction or thing to say, but she seems unable to apply it when in the actual situation.

[Esther]

What I do with my kids is think about what happened before they say these things, are they tired or hungry? I find they are more likely to say these things when they are tired or hungry. Also if they get upset by something else earlier it can affect them later on in the day with something else.

She may not understand emotions and also the impact on other people with the things that she says. Also as Mamma said it is better not to take it personally. I doubt she really means what she is saying. Perhaps she doesn't know what to say and feels uneasy. Yk how people sometimes laugh when someone hurts themselves. You may have to explain to her in detail what happened, how it made dh feel and say to her what is an appropriate way of handling it.

Also with the "banish to the moon" or "lock up in a dungeon" you could say well if you were on the moon or in a dungeon you wouldn't be able to make dinner and do things for her, etc. Try teaching her what would be the consequences for her actions.

Rinelle are you in Brissie?

[kateking]

I was in two minds when I read this...part of me wanted to say have you tried to go with it as in take the story she has started and expand upon it? ie: be in the imaginery dungeon and then put her in there with you so she suffers the same fate!
Then another part of me thinks your brilliant girl is getting way too much attention for all her little zingers and the payoff from you and DH gives her an amazing sense of power! Have you tried displaying how you really feel ie; when she behaves like that she gives you the absolute poops? Maybe its time for her to see the consequence of anti social behaviour because people in the real world will not be as forgiving or as tolerant. I wouldn't suggest this is she was any younger but I think she is at an age where she could start to accept consequences. The flavour of all your posts seem to be almost like she rules the household and everybody carefully steps around her and is constantly anxious. Maybe if she got a little more natural opposition she would reign it in a bit? Apologies in advance if I am wrong. If there are occasions where she can modify her behaviour because she wants something etc I think she is definately ready to accept that saying rude unpleasant things to ones you love is not on.

[lindylou]

My boys do this too- one moreso than the other! (the spirited child :-)). They do it when the can't have what they want (for whatever reason) and more when they are tired. When you think about it...they can't possibly know exactly what they are saying ("I don't love you anymore"), I mean the real depth of those comments can't possibly be appreciated by most 4 years olds IMO. They just want a reaction...and if they get it well, they feel satisfied! I just tend to say 'Oh well that makes me sad' (they don't seem to care, but that is ok for the abovementioned reasons :-)). Or if I am really pissed off I say 'I don't care' (not a recommended response, just being honest). Either way, it seems to end the conversation and before too long they are doing something else totally.

It is possible that maybe she is feeling overloaded by you discussing these issues with her too much? I hope that does not come across in an offensive way, just trying to see it from Ezri's perspective.

[Rinelle]

Yep Esther, I'm in Brissy, northside near Caboolture.

Lots of great ideas here, thanks. I think I need to think on a couple of them for a while, but just wanted to post to say thanks.

[MenkyFrog]

It is pretty normal - everyone handles it differently. I agree with quite a few things that others have said but just wanted to add also that it is really a normal part of social development to say things to see what will happen, where they fit, where what they say fits and to see generally what will happen.

It is my personal belief that children occasionally also 'test' us because they need to know we are strong enough to protect them, lead them and love them even when it is hard.