Can we really choose our feelings?

[Savannah]

And if so, how do we teach that skill to our kids?

DD is 8 and expresses her emotions very well - openly and with passion! :protest

Frequently though, I see her choosing an emotion and really holding onto it. Making things harder for herself than it needs to be. It's beyond a natural response and becomes something she forces out.

For example, if I ask her to do any writing or pick up some things, she will immediately slip into angry/frustrated/upset. I can literally see her winding herself up and making the situation as unpleasant for herself as possible.

I have tried to explain that the attitude you do something with, will determine your experience. Or I've shown her examples of her doing something easily and it being because she did it happily.

Is it possible to teach children to choose their feelings? And if so, how do you go about it?

Or do I just stand back and let her work it out for herself?

[SeaStar]

Interesting, my eldest daughter who is 9 is doing this too. I will watch with interest............

[Rinelle]

My 5yo is doing the same thing. I just keep repeating that she has control over how she's reacting to something, and only she can change that. For example, she will ask me to help her calm down when she is upset that I won't let her do something, and I explain that in order to calm down, she has to accept that I have said no, and I mean it. She will then proceed to tell me that if I let her do X, then that will calm her down!

I do believe you can teach your children this though, because my mum taught me. And I think it is an invaluable lesson, and one worth keeping repeating. They might not get it until they're an adult, but I do believe it will sink in.

[mama_bel]

To a degree I think you can, but then they relapse as teens. LOL.

[Eilleen]

Like the thread in the Tea Garden, I think we can only show our children how to act on something but not really show them how to choose their feelings.

I think its important for kids to know that whatever they're feeling is okay - its how they choose to act on it that may not be okay - eg. okay to feel angry, not okay to hit someone because that's how they feel. If they take awhile to decide how they feel then that's okay too.

[Savannah]

DD and I talked a bit about this today. She was very calm and peaceful and brought it up herself in conversation.

She said that she already feels angry/sad/frustrated before the 'moment of meltdown' and it is just an outlet for those feelings. So we talked about other ways to handle those emotions.

She suggested mainly physical things. Jumping on the tramp, climbing trees, etc. And also quiet time in her room. I suggested breathing deeply for a minute.

She also said that certain foods change how she feels and she is learning which ones. Bread has been one that stands out, and pasta.

She also said that when I do something to make her laugh it helps. Sometimes I will talk to her in opera or do some contemporary dance moves around her and she can't help but laugh. It changes her mood almost instantly and difuses the situation.

It is a technique that Dh and I use on eachother when we are stressing about something too. A little bit of silliness seems to put things in perspective.

[MenkyFrog]

Agree with Savannah! :) The simple act of acknowledging where they are at emotionally is sometimes a good diffuser but laughter is great too - pick your moments!

"I can see you are pretty angry about having to tidy up, is there something I can do to help make this easier for you?" and going through the diffusers that have been discussed previously (my 4y/o loves the tramp or a hug and my 8y/o loves to crul up and read or meditate.

[Harmony]

Sometimes I will talk to her in operathank god I'm not the only one :rofl

[Anju]

Nope I do that too H!
Either that or I dance at them, or pull faces, or tickle them, or pick 'em up and tell them Im chuckin them in the bin which they find hilerious.

[MenkyFrog]

Love it!

[Savannah]

I did the pull faces thing here this morning after reading that Jasper. It worked well too. Imagine it combined with operatic singing and expressionate dance. lol.

Yep, we're a little nuts as you may have already guessed.

[Lee]

I used to embrace the concept of being able to make myself feel better, but not actually have the ability to do it, and then I read an awesomely amazing book called "Peace is Every Step" by a monk called... Thich Naht Han.... that's not how you spell it but can't be bothered going to find the book to look...

the whole book is amazing, but there's one bit where he talks about a calming mediation, and I've shortened and adapted it a little for my own use, but basically:
When I find myself freaking out about something, or being scared that someone is angry with me, or being upset by a conversation, or feeling jealous about my husband's other relationship's....

I close my eyes and breathe in, and in my head I say "Breathing in, I am calm"
Breathe out... and say "Breathing out, I smile" and actually smile, just a little...
and again, with the smile growing on every repetition, and I do it until the smile feels real and I feel good again.

Sometimes it just takes like 3 reps to work, and sometimes I have to work on it for 5 or 10 minutes, if I'm battling negative head talk.

So. I do believe you can reach a point where you take complete responsibility for your own feelings, and it is never anyone else's "fault"... I'm working on it...

Like say my husband has an affair. With some chick from a bar that means nothing.
I can feel devastated. I probably would, for a while. Or I could choose to live by the idea that he is free to do as he wishes, and I am free to do as I wish.... so I can't be angry, or hurt by that.... I can make a practical decision to to have sex with him if I feel it is unsafe to do so, or I could leave him if I felt I couldn't trust him, or I could talk about why he felt the need to do that... or or or ... there are a lot of options, and I don't think feeling bad about it HAS to be part of any of them.

I am choosing my empotions a lot more lately, and I think it is bother DH a bit. Because something happens (like my boyfriend saying he is going back to England for a while and he might not ever come back) and DH feels like that is something that *should* bother me. And he can't understand why I am not upset about it.

*I* feel.... why should I be upset, when it is not going to change anything... it won't help anything... I can choose to accept it and feel all right, and I choose that.

I think acceptance is pretty key. This was an epiphany for me a little while ago. DH had been discussing me with his online girlfriend, and I felt really uncomfortable with that. He was talking to her in a way that "made" me feel jealous, because that was MY pet name, or whatever. And then suddenly I had a moment where I went, "Y know Lee, does it matter? Is it hurting you? Are you suddenly going to die because he's talking about you to another woman? Nope, you're not. Chill out. And hey, even if you do die because of it, or he leaves you, or she comes to visit and is nasty to you... so what? "

And since then I have been so calm and chilled about things that would have made me so uncomfortable before, and it's just really really nice.

Okay that got a bit rambly. I don't know even if I said what I mean, but I'm going to leave it there and come back and check a bit later to see if it rings true.

[jodiemiller]

Yep, Lee has it nailed I reckon.

Basically, every new experience forces a pathway in the brain. Repetition makes the pathway 'hard'. This makes it easier to access the new information again and again, further reinforcing the nerve pathway (dendrites) of the brain to excrete whatever chemical they excrete to keep the synapses firing. That pathway becomes HABIT.

This is fine if we're reinforcing something useful. This is terrible if we're reinforcing something unhelpful or harmful. Habits are broken by acquiring new experiences that challenge the old habit. In other words, I have to generate a new experience that forges a new pathway in my brain. And I have to revisit that pathway regularly to make it hard. Eventually, the new pathway becomes the new HABIT. The old pathway is still there, but it is less and less the default/habitual pathway. I have trained my brain to think/feel/act in a way that I choose. This is what is meant by choosing your feelings.

It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.

I am trying to help my daughter through a few cycles of 'habitual emotional response' and we are making headway. She still needs me to remind her how and when to calm herself, she's not able to do it herself yet, but it's helping a lot.

[Rinelle]

Could you share how you've been doing that Jodie? It sounds really great.

[jodiemiller]

Well, the process will be individual, but I use a lot of childhood triggers to help her, like bedtime songs, meditations, mantras, breathing techniques for when she's really wound up. I try to be really consistent in what I do (it's really a form of gentle hypnosis when you think about it) so that the triggers are controlled at first, but I also follow her suggestions at times. Depends on what has set her off. Like recently my being away two nights a week resulted in her adopting an attitude that she couldn't sleep because I wasn't there. She talked herself around and around that she couldn't sleep because I wasn't there. So I started by reminding her that she has often slept without me there, and without all the commotion that she'd recently begun to adopt (paraphrasing here) so what had changed for her? She couldn't name it. So we began a new ritual that she could use when I wasn't there, and any other time she felt anxious. She repeats the mantra to herself, "I can fall asleep easily, I can have beautiful dreams, I can wake up fresh in the morning. I have done it before." The effect was really powerful, but again, she still needs me to remind her to use the mantra and other strategies we've developed. Of the four, I feel she has the greatest tendency towards pessimism and anxiety. She was raised very compassionately, I don't think it's related to position in the family, weaning or any other theory that prevails in hard core AP circles. She's just prone to it, like some of her relatives, on both sides of the family.

[SungaiKecil]

For those that haven't read it... I am really digging 'Buddhism for Mothers of School Children' by the one and the same Sarah Napthali... it covers a tonne of this accepting how we feel and choosing how WE respond... and it gives a great basis for teaching kids the same. Am time poor at the moment, but this thread is pretty important to me right now, with a seriously emotional 5 year old boy.

[Rinelle]

Thanks Jodie. How old was your daughter when you started this? It sounds a lot like Ezri, who works herself up into quite a state sometimes, but I'm not sure if she's quite ready to reason to that extent yet. (Especially when she's very anxious/emotional.)

[jodiemiller]

Why wouldn't she be ready? I mean, you say it, she ignores it, no harm done. Like tasting new foods, keep offering, she'll eventually acquire the palate. ;)

[jodiemiller]

Oh, we've done this in cycles since she was little (though with different soothing strategies). She's almost eight now.

[Rinelle]

True. I guess I have been trying some similar things (for relaxation at bedtime), and she has become quite adamant that she DOESN'T want me to. Mind you, tasting new foods doesn't work like that here either. :)

[jodiemiller]

Flexibility is mental health. I remind her of that too.

[cherish]

Jodie- I love the way you describe it.. it's like reading Emotional Intelligence!!

[Savannah]

I too got a lot out of your posts Jodie, thank you.