2.5yr old, sleep time & Separation

[evolving]

Hi all,

Recently my DD has been having great trouble getting to sleep and it is worrying me. She has gone from falling asleep relatively easily at 6.30pm to being completely unsettled until 10pm - and today her midday sleep (which is usually incredibly easy) was very similar. She has been kicking, jumping, screaming, kicking and hitting me, singing and talking very loudly. While she has done some of this before to varying degrees - this has been getting WAY out of hand! I have had the thought that maybe she just needs to cry - so I have been holding her and looking into her eyes while she cries and trying to focus my heart on love and peace. The trouble is that while this used to work out beautifully (she used to smile and drop off into the most peaceful sleep when she was done crying and had been given the chance to express herself without judgement) - now she is fighting me and becoming quite hysterical if I try and hold her while she cries saying "I can't, I can't".

We have been following the same routine for months where I tell her a story, she has a special cup of herbal tea, I sing lullabies and she drifts off to sleep. This has not changed at all. There HAVE been some other big changes thought recently - my husband and I have separated at the beginning of the week, (though she was having trouble sleeping a couple of weeks before). We have obviously kept our discussions til after she's fast asleep and have kept the whole arrangement very peaceful and ammicable. She has only had a couple of questions ("Where's Dadda?" "When will me see Dadda?" To which I have answered simply and honestly ("At work/Grandma's house doing some special work", "Tomorrow" etc). She has then happily gone about whatever she was doing and this seems to be all I need to say right now. I am well aware however, that she may be picking up on far more than is obvious and I'm feeling very stuck as to how to best handle the whole situation. Are there any good books out there on separation and the young child? Most of the literature I've seen only relates to older children.

I would love to continue to sing to her all night and stay in the room with her for hours while she peacefully drifts off to sleep - but I simply can't! Some of you may remember from previous posts of mine that I have chronic fatigue, and now as a single Mum I am finding my condition has flared up greatly and that I truly need a few hours in the evening and some time in the middle of the day to do some soul searching, meditating and to have some time out! I am even finding it difficult to write this post right now - I'm exhausted.

Has anyone had any similar experiences or can you relate to what I'm saying? As I'm sure you can imagine I'm feeling very alone in all this (family is not nearby) and would dearly appreciate any words of support or suggestions from you lovely Mama's out there across the nation!

[boy wrangler]

Hi Melissa, it's lovely to see you here again. I'm so sorry about your separation. Hoping you are ok.

Maybe Aria is ready to drop her day sleep? I know that you need a rest too but when E was that age or a bit younger I realised it was much easier on me (although I don't have your health condition) if I didn't fight him about that day sleep and just went with the flow. He started going to bed much earlier, 5:30 - 6pm but going to sleep much easier, much less fighting. He also slept better, although was still waking up at the same time 5:30 - 6am. I then crashed on the lounge, read my book or had some other sort of me time (that I could fit between A's wakings). It was so less stressful for everyone, I stopped expecting him to sleep so wasn't cranky when he didn't.

I think you need to listen to what she needs, be that a sleep or a cuddle or whatever you feel appropriate. Sleep is hard lovely. Go gently xx

[tracey]

Hi,

I was going to say the same thing...drop the day sleep. DS1 was doing the same thing and I started dropping the day sleep. We started about 4 months ago and we are still in transition, he has a day sleep about twice a week, even then I time it to no longer than 1 hr and no sleeping after 3pm. Have seen a huge change in his bedtime routine, put him to bed and don't hear anything until 7.00am! It is a transition and don't expect to simply drop it and that is it, it may started with having a day sleep every 2 days or so and gradually dropping them.

Hope that it all works out :2thumbup

[jodiemiller]

That was my first thought, too. All my kids dropped their day sleeps between 18-30 months. It was tough adjusting to the new routine, especially with other small children in the family, but it helped if I was prepared for everything to happen earlier, if need be.

Eg, offer dinner at 3pm, bath around 4, wind-down time with quiet music or gentle play until tired signs begin. Don't let on that you have other things to do, other places to be. Just be present for that time (sounds like you already do this with your song routine) and see how your little one adapts to a different process.

Would it help to have a picture of daddy beside her bed? Or a comfort toy that came from him? Yes, she may be taking on some of your nervous tension as you adjust to the new arrangements too. Take extra special care of yourself, just as much as you take care of your daughter, because your state of patience and calm will surely guide her own state of mind.

Love to you and good luck!

[cherish]

oh hugs.. I know when we separated sleep time also became quite difficult.. they sense the change.. the stress and all of that stuff.. it gets better in time.. takes a while to process it all..

come and join us in the sole parenting section!!

[Pinky]

I went through a similar thing and it included night terrors. I think I remember reading something about what their brain is developing at about that age. The realization they can be hurt (I think that was also the age of the fascination with band-aids) and it becomes fears at night when their brains are trying to process all the new emotions they didn't previously have.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice.. just know that I think its pretty normal and it will most likely pass.

[michelle_j_r]

another suggestion to drop the day sleep! She is only a few months younger than my youngest and he has not had a day sleep in about 6months or more. If he does have a sleep for some reason he is up til all hours and just too wound up to be able to settle and he'll kick and carry out like a crazy person if i try to get him to settle when he is not tired.

You can try just letting her play during the day and not initiating a nap. If she crashed on her own, fine, otherwise just let her power through.

Personally, i would not be worrying about books on separation at that age. It will just draw attention to something she is not even aware of. At that age anything is normal to a child. They are so adaptable that they just accept any situation as being totally fine so long as they feel loved and supported. So th separation is just going to be a new thing to adapt to but she won't necessarily be feeling the same thing that a 6 or 7yr old would feel. She will just go with the flow and take her cues from you. If you are upset or tired she might feel it of course (i know the first few months on my own i was REALLY tired and had to change a few routines and my own expections to get through it) but my kids were similar in age to yours and so long as i was positive about their dad and they had lots of contact and there was no anger i don't think that that is likely to be the MAIN source of the problem with her settling for a nap.

We also have a family photo beside the kids' bed (all four of us) which they really like.

[Harmony]

What they all said, you may not get your break in the middle of the day, but you may find her going to bed earlier in the evening. I'm sorry it's so rough on you. The separation will be having an impact obviously, and you may have to let everything but the very basics, your health needs and her emotional needs go for a few weeks to support her through this. Is there anyone local who can come and give you a hand? I'm completely unfamiliar with Vic geography, sorry!

[cherish]

michelle- I don't agree that all young children will breeze through a separation, even when feeling loved and supported.. that certianly wasn't my experience.. my youngest was just one.. and he seemed to be the most distressed.. where as DD1 was pretty much normal.. DS1 was up and down- fine through the day but would wake upset at night.. they were 4..

[Rinelle]

I have to agree with Cherish. I think you can't discount the effect daddy being suddenly gone (even if she's still seeing him, he's not there as much as he used to be) can have on a child. I'd be considering the possibility that she may be afraid that mum might go while she's asleep or something, which could be adding to the sleep anxiety.

Just to confuse matters though, my DD dropped her day sleep around the same age, and even though I thought it would be really hard, the improvement in getting to sleep at night was SO worth it.

[cherish]

I know with one of my children he would wake up crying and crying.. after about a week of it somehow it came out that he was afraid that I was going to leave.. once we resolved that he slept a lot better.. (and for the record it must be a fear of his, as at the moment he's gone through a similar process with the floods etc.. we were separated at birth- so that abandonment I'm sure stays with him.)

When the stress response system is highly activated.. it is very hard to slow down.. our little ones don't have the words often to express how they are feeling- so it comes out in other expressions.. all communication.. just a little harder to understand. things that can help is massage, lots of cuddles and helping with words- naming emotions etc.. also- as you grieve and begin to find your groove (and calm returns at times..) you will find that her behaviour will settle..

hugs darling.. it's a tough time!

[evolving]

Thanks for all the lovely words of support everyone! For some reason I'm not receiving email notification whenever there is a new post (despite having subscribed for instant emails) so I had no idea you had all written! I don't think she is quite ready to drop her daytime sleep as she really is incredibly tired - all the signs are there. I think she may be fearing that I will leave her (we were also separated at birth for nearly a whole day). This has really given me food for thought. She tends to be extremely sensitive to the pint of frequently reading my mind! (which is a little off putting at times!) I'm hoping that this is simply an adjustment period. I have also been more relaxed with the kinds of foods she has been eating over the past week which is probably a contributing factor too. I think I'm going to try to re-set those boundaries with food and really focus on being more present with her. I have been inevitably quite distracted this week despite my best efforts and may have overlooked her need for stability and simplicity. I tried to fill up the week with activities that I thought would be supportive for both of us but in hindsight it may have been a little overwhelming for her:( this really isn't easy! She has also become very accident prone - so maybe she's a little distracted too and needs some more security. Any ideas on how to foster a very safe and gentle environment for her little heart would be warmly appreciated! *sigh*...

[cherish]

few things I would suggest..

massage- it's amazing how some loving touch works wonders.. my kids sometimes shy off a massage.. but if I say- let's play babies.. we get to do the cooing and gaga stuff that they missed out on when little.. as well as they for some reason are happy to have massage.. it helps organise the brain, good release of oxytocin etc etc..

Also- you probably already do this- but lots of happy faces.. you know how children look to us- let her find you looking at her first.. lots of eye contact..

and talk about how you think she may be feeling- help her by sharing how you feel.. give words to her emotions as you read them..

big hugs.. it's up and down.. up and down.. up and down..

love to you

[evolving]

Kylie, that whole 'let's play babies' thing is working wonderfully! She really loves it and she will actually let me slip in some massage:) thanks for that!

[chooky]

I agree with dropping the daysleep but I can really empathise with how hard it is to let go of that me time... it did my head in at the time but I got over it really quickly. It must be hard not having a supportive partner there with you - I hope you can get the support you need to nurture yourself

[Bron]

yuo may find she's about to go through a growth spurt :)

would it be possible for her to have her day sleep earlier?

[michelle_j_r]

Glad you are finding a few ideas for things to try or change. I hope she is more settled soon.

(and I'll take a sticky beak later at why you are not getting email notifications)

[Phoenix]

I too was thinking growth spurt, either physical or intellectual. It is kinda like teething, except without the sore mouth.

I was wondering if maybe letting her have an environment (like her room) to play with you in there as well (on a mattress or chair) and you do your revive time with her, while allowing her to process what she needs to in a contained place. That way you are both doing what you need.
When I was sole parenting and completely wiped out, I would close our bedroom door with activities in the room to occupy my boy, and I would get the rest I would need. He would spend time reading books, playing with his toys and general quiet play, maybe fall asleep if he needed to. It was a win win situation.
Good luck, it is a trying time and I agree, lots of ups and downs! Go gently.

[kateking]

I went through a very similar thing with both our boys at the same age and oh gosh I remember just how exhausted and desperate I was! I really feel for you and you sound like you are handling it so beautifully, what a blessed little girl she is.
Similar to Phoenix it just got to the point where I just had to lay down on our bed. I had books, and favourite toys on the floor, a box of sultanas etc Also tried to have something new and fascinating like a basket of coloured pegs or rice to pour from one bowl to another with a old milk container scoop (I used to lay a big sheet on the floor and shake it out later.) The sound was gorgeous to meditate too! I would shut the door so he couldn't escape and had all dangerous things well our of reach and drifted off myself sometimes ! I guess I was sleeping with one eye open but often, especially when he adjusted he would just crawl up beside me and then we would both fall into a deep sleep. You see we had a "routine" too that had been fantastic but I just had to change it because he was telling me he wanted to! He actually responded really well when I did. Routines can get shaken up enormously when they are having a developmental leap. It does pass and then you will have a comfy period of ease and then WHAM! It will all get turned upside down again. There is this funny period when they start to drop the day sleep and they are too tired but they are determined to stay up. Meltdown city, it used to amaze me just how upset and inconsolable they could get, sometimes it would really freak me LOL! But that passes too... just go with it Mumma. I know it's hard because you want to help her but try not to examine and ponder too much it will do your head in. She is going to do what she is going to do and by the time you have stressed and worried and worked out the magic formula she would have already moved on! Hugs to you xx

[cherish]

glad the 'playing babies' is helping- I know it does much for my kids as well.. enjoy!

[jodiemiller]

A friend of mine used to keep a box of quiet toys beside the bed that were strictly for before-sleep time. She'd dim the lights and let the boys choose something from their 'fiddle box' to amuse themselves until she came in later to kiss and cuddle good night. Worked for her. Just offering ideas for you to consider.

[evolving]

Thanks again for the ideas:) I love the sound of giving her rice to transfer from one container to the next! I imagine it would be quite meditative! The box of before-sleep-toys is something I will try as well:) I just wanted to give a quick update as to how she is going now...

As I think I mentioned earlier, her diet had taken a bit of a different turn after the separation so I rectified that and it has done wonders:) She's still not too keen on her evening sleep and I am definitely guilty of overthinking the whole situation, (all considered!) She just can't seem to chill out and wind down no matter what I do! I will try giving her something 'boring' to play with before bed and see how that works. At the moment I'm falling asleep well before her and waking up at 9.30pm feeling completely jet lagged :blink She does eventually get to sleep and doesn't try to leave the bedroom, but I end up all out of whack! (mind you it may not be such a bad idea for me to just stay in bed and get some serious catch up in the sleep department).

Thanks again for all your lovely thoughts :)

[jodiemiller]

Glad things are improving. One step at a time, hey? Some catch up sleep is always a good thing. :)

[Phoenix]

Sounds like progress. :)