Too attached?

[fletwil]

Hello.

This is my first post so I hope I have put it in the right section.

My son is 3.5 years old and I'm starting to get a little bit concerned that we may be too attached, if that's possible. Since he was born, we have bed shared, spent almost every minute of every day together (aside from 4 times when my SIL has looked after him for a few hours for us to attend some weddings) and he is still being breastfed, including if he wakes during the night. He is very social and confident and mixes with other children really well at playgroup, etc.

My recent concern stems from the fact that he was due to start 4 year old kinder in August and then primary school in 4th term of 2012. I wanted to have him at home with me for longer so convinced them to allow him to start kinder in January of 2012 and school in January of 2013 when he will be 5.5. The problem is that he is becoming very anxious about me leaving him to go to kinder. When people ask him about kinder, he gets quite upset and tells them that he is not going to kinder or school but is staying with me. We currently attend a playgroup at the kinder he will be attending in preparation for kinder and he is adament that he will never be left there alone as he wants to be with me.

What am I going to do? I know that there is no way I will be able to leave him if he cries. Everyone tells me and everything I have read says that you are supposed to just walk away and leave them at kinder, even if they are crying. I know this will not be an option for me. I will have to take him with me as I can't bear to see him distressed.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

[Harmony]

It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job of fostering a strong attachment with your son, and that separation will follow in it's own sweet time. Both my older girls went through a very clingy stage at some point between 3 and 4 where they were previously fine to go to daycare (one day a week), then went back to crying on separation. It was very hard but I needed the break and was reassured knowing that they stopped crying usually by the time I reached the door and that the staff knew to call me if they weren't settled within 10 minutes. Which never happened ;)

Every 6 months at this stage is huge, and sometimes these developmental milestones are reached suddenly - mine certainly seem to click overnight. I was just starting to worry about my youngest as she was slower to move on from 2 word sentences than the other two - overnight she kicked up to much longer, more complicated sentences than they were capable of at 2.5 ;)

If you can't bear to leave him crying, then don't. Ask people to stop talking to him about it, head off any well-meaning comments, and you yourself talk with him about a future time when he will be ready, if it doesn't upset him. This has really helped my breastfeeding toddlers express where they're up to with boobing/not boobing. A suddenly announced one day that she was too big for it any more and that was the end of it. B currently lisps about being a big girl who doesn't have booby any more...but not yet. I guess it helps that they have an older sister or two to look at and model behaviour from.

[kateking]

Great advice from Harmony! Sorry I don't have a lot of time so can't go into the detail I would like to, except to say that the anxiety he is experiencing will only stop when he is ready! You will get lots of well meaning advice all aimed at speeding up the process etc but when he is at the right stage of his development it will happen :) The ONE thing I am finially getting is that when children are ready to do stuff it just happens, LOL and when they're not it doesn't! I despaired that I would ever be able to send my little one to 4 year old Kinda after lots of false starts but when he was ready it was easy. (Oh one tip I can give you we didn't call it Kinda, we called it "playschool" and that made the transition a little easier!) Follow your heart. I actually stopped trying to send him for 6 months because I listened to his sobs and they sounded pretty real to me! All these doomsayers where saying I should have "stuck it out" and I was sending him the "wrong message" keeping him at home etc etc and he'll "never be able to leave me" and "he had to learn sometime" blah blah blah it was just fear based opinion. Now I have a 4 yr old that barely stops long enough to give me a kiss goodbye he loves it so much. Believe in him and believe in yourself.

[boy wrangler]

I'm sorry too, I don't have much time to do a big reply either but I didn't want to read and run.

My eldest little man is 3.5 too, turning 4 in May and he's just started Kindy here in QLD and that is 5 days a fortnight. He's taken to it like a duck to water and we've never had tears or any separation issues with it but 6 months ago, maybe even 3 or 4 months ago when we started talking about it he was adamant that he was not going to go if I wasn't there. He loved the idea but then I said something along the lines of "and Mummy will come back and pick you up in the afternoon after lunch" and as soon as I said it he climbed into my lap quicker than you could blink, the tears started and he just said that he wasn't going to go unless I went with him.

They can change so much in such a short period of time I'd just keep going with what you're doing and see how he goes when it's time. I've been completely surprised by how well E is handling it and I'm glad that I gave him the opportunity to succeed without me saying that he'll be too upset. I'm not really ready for him to go but that is my issue!

There is no way on Earth I'd leave if one of mine was crying. I'd stay with them as long as they needed me to to feel safe and if it wasn't happening with a couple of weeks I'd be calling it a day for now and trying again later. You know him best and it sounds like you've worked really hard to build a great relationship with him, what a lucky little man!

Good luck! :)

[boy wrangler]

I forgot to say --

Welcome to IP!! We have an Introduction Forum (http://www.intuitiveparenting.com.au/forumdisplay.php?13-Introductions) if you fancied popping over there and telling us a bit more about yourself!

[jodiemiller]

I agree with everyone else (and welcome to you!). Just to add to the advice, I found that when my kids were hitting developmental milestones, or cutting teeth, they would go through a 'regressive' stage (clingy, disrupted sleep, off their tucker, generally more difficult behaviour for me to cope with) and when they got through it, they'd make a great leap in confidence or linguistic ability, etc. Trust your little man to know when he's ready and don't feel pressured by people outside your immediate family who have no sympathy for your relationship with your boy.

And yeah, the label you give things can have a huge impact on how it is received so if 'playschool' gets a more positive response than 'kinda', I'd work with that. Keep up the social events and observe his readiness for certain activities when he's relaxed an in his element and you'll know when/whether to test his readiness to separate from you in good time.

[Morph]

3½ is still so young! He's still a baby. I would tell anyone who asks about kindy, that, no, he's not ready yet. Let him know you're on his side. Don't tell him he'll be going there next year - children don't have the concept of time so he will hold on to the anxiety the thought of it currently gives him. He doesn't know if today is 'next year' or not yet. Tell him you won't make him go or leave him there unless he wants to.

Children don't even have to be registered for school until the age of 6 (in SA - I think it's the same in most other states). So really, there's not much you can't do at home with him that they'd do there. Have you considered homeschooling? Perhaps have a look at naturallearningaustralia.info if you're interested in finding out more about your options there.

I think you're doing a fantastic job too. Creating attachment, and maintaining it, is vital to the child becoming a happy, confident adult. It also means you're more likely to have a close relationship throughout the tumultuous teenage years. Don't push him if he's not ready. Ignore the naysayers, you're a fantastic mother listening to her instincts over & above the ones who force their children to deal with stuff before they're ready. Sure they stop crying eventually - because they give up on their parent. I think a little something dies inside them when situations are forced upon them. You have to stand up to them for the sake of your son. You're his only ally! He needs to know you're on his side & that he is more important to you than to leave him somewhere without you. When he's ready, he'll tell you. Trust him.

[jodiemiller]

I think a little something dies inside them when situations are forced upon them.

I think I understand this sentiment but I disagree on principle. Saying something 'dies' insinuates it cannot be retrieved or repaired or otherwise recovered from and we humans are much more adaptable than that. My feeling is that there can be occasions when we parents, in good judgement, can push our children's boundaries and show them that they are safe and can take risks and not come to harm, etc. I don't think these situations can be forced, but I do think they are a big part of our parental learning and growing alongside our children. We can only parent by trial and error.

[Bubly]

Welcome to IP!

I think often well-meaning people try and make our little ones look too far ahead into the future. He may well be very ready for kinder in January, he just doesn't need to worry about it right now. And then when he's at kinder you may well have to head off the comments about nearly being a school boy - it bugs me, I think we need to just let kids take things one step at a time.
I remember a friend's little boy who in the summer between kinder and school didn't like it when people told him he was a school boy. He'd say 'no, I'm a holiday boy' It's just another way our kids are wonderful at living in the moment.

When you get to kinder time, you don't have to leave him. I spent alot of time staying with my son in the early days, and we had a fantastic teacher that was happy for him to adjust at his pace. She gave him space for his emotions and let him be sad if he needed to be. So I guess from my experience my advice would be make sure your kinder suits your son.

It sounds like you're a wonderful mum to a lucky little boy :)

[Bron]

No, there's no such thing as too attached ;) If you weren't attached, it would really break your heart to see what he would be like. In this next 10 months, you'll be amazed how much he will grow emotionally :) And yes, you don't have to leave him, you can stay as long as you like :)

[Rinelle]

What Bron said. :)